Archive for December, 2011
There comes a time when you can no longer blame your parents.
Title is loosely from a JK Rowling speech at Harvard.
I can no longer blame my parents for the things I do, so I am taking responsibility for myself. I am setting out goals for myself. I’m going to follow my learning curve towards maturity, in my own way and fashion myself after the things that make one mature.
1. Know yourself.
2. Face yourself.
3. Accept and love yourself.
4. Stand up for yourself.
5. Take responsibility for yourself.
6. Take responsibility for others.
A crappy childhood–I could grind myself all over that. I could talk about how my parents never faced the teasing I received or had “retrograde” memory that would make Ms. Rowling look like making Dumbeldore gay very mild. I could talk about how I lived in fear of my mom yelling at me every day and when she was not, she was cold and distant. I could blame all of that on my current situation, but I can’t anymore. I can’t afford it.
On the other half of the world my birthday is coming. And I’ve determined for the following year that I need to learn how to open myself more to new possibilities. Such as getting published, holding down a job for more than a few months, getting out of this apartment. I want to open myself more socially because for the last two years after the heartache of losing trust in my family, I’ve been caving myself in a hole. I don’t have time to wallow or self-pity. That’s not taking responsibility.
I am not borderline. I am not my mom. I am not going to be codependent. I am not my dad. Pieces inevitably are a part of me–because when you interact with anyone, pieces of you and they intermingle and rebuild themselves into each other, becoming another whole.
I can become stronger than that. Maybe this year I’ll reach the coveted 20 rejections I always dream about getting in a year. Maybe this year I’ll find a job that I absolutely love and isn’t a placeholder. Maybe this year I can find the place in the world that allows me to shine all of my talents and virtues. I want to fight for one more year to become a little more me and have confidence in that.
